because i'm an adult

I'm trying to transition out of Blogger, and I apologize for my absence. But check out the new site:

http://ameliawallace.wordpress.com/

It is still much a work in progress, but it's a little bit more professional.

Because sometimes there are things that I wish I could tell you.

But I just can't.

because fate is a wicked tease

I ran into Sol tonight.


My heart skipped a thousand beats


and then I had to remind myself to breathe.


All I wanted to do was look at him.

Not stare.

Not leer.

Just look at him.

Look in to him.


So deeply that he would feel the race of my heart beat

and look up

and our eyes would meet.


And I would just know.


Our eyes did meet.


I saw him steal a glance.


And then another.


And then he was gone.


I walked home, arm in arm with Johnson, and we talked about how we always expected that one day everything would finally settle. But that in reality turmoil will always be around and within us, but that doesn't mean we aren't at peace or content. And Johnson said something that hit me in my now weakened heart: that our reality never becomes our fantasies.


And I guess I just thought he would be there when I got home.

because ivan. and. alyosha.

Trying to find some peace in this hectic week.

Realizing that those moments might not happen, but I can still feel calm while working through it all.

Desperately grateful for the background noise.

"Does your woman take your dreams,
Shine it up and give it some wings?
You have found a beautiful thing,
a beautiful thing.

...

And there's a bridge
That we're crossing.
There is a life we should be living;
Everything is burning.

Did she get inside your head,
All the stupid things that you've said?
She's the only reason reason you get out of bed.

...

She brings me back among the living.
And I guess I am learning,
Everything is burning."

because here and now

I sat in my room last night, the small rectangle I call mine, waiting for my roommate to get out of the bathroom and wishing for the day that I didn't have to wait anymore.

I began to wonder if on that day I would be happy and then worried that even then it wouldn't be enough.

Suddenly I realized that maybe I should be careful what I wish for, because one day I will be there and the person I can walk in on and won't have to wait for may be messy.

And he may leave toothpaste all over the sink and cupboards open, and he may hang up his shirts in the wrong direction.

And some days, even though I may love him and the little beasties we created together, there might be days where I don't like him and I will get angry.

There will be days that I am bossy and mean, and other days where I might cry over spilled milk and cereal, and there will be days that we don't do anything and I will feel like a failure. And days where the kids tell me I'm the worst.

There will be the day that finally comes where my life won't be my own anymore.

And my body won't be my own.

And maybe it really is about enjoying what we do have

Here

And now.

And maybe I should be ok if God continues to answer my prayers in ways I don't expect or necessarily want.

music on a monday pt 7

Tryin' to fit your hand inside of mine

When we know it just don't belong

Why don't you be you and I'll be me

his site

pick yourself up and get on with it

It's possible that at times I am a masochist.

Feeling pain reminds us that we are alive.

And it helps us enjoy the good parts all the more.

Some times, though, I need to fall apart and just cry.

My mother always emphasized the fact that we need to allow ourselves time to grieve.

Grieve over a lost love, a lost day, a lost dream.

But grieve.

I remember a day seven years ago when I found myself sobbing in my room, in the apartment of my brother's where I lived that summer.

I was heartbroken over Riley.

I was barely 19.

But as I lay in the depths of despair, my brother came into my room and said "Cry, and then let's go get some ice cream."

All I could sputter out was an ok, because well, I could never say no to ice cream.

But that has become one of my philosophies in life (no, not never saying no to ice cream, although that kind of is my number one rule) but rather just feel it.

Feel the pain and sorrow all within and about you. And then pick yourself up and get on with life.

Grant yourself that small bit, but don't lose yourself in it.

Feeling great sorrow allows us to feel great joy.