because he's married

I've thought of writing about him before. But it never felt like a hill I wanted to venture up (and I'm sorry this is a very raw post).

But then last week I found out that he's married.

The boy who broke me.

The one who completely ruined me has been married for over a year.

And he has a baby.

After all he did, all the crap he put me through, he's married and has a baby.

And I'm disgusted. Disgusted at myself for how I feel.

I guess I had always thought he would be miserable for the rest of his life to pay for how he treated me.

It only seemed fair.

But suddenly all these photos of him and his family flash before my eyes and scrape open old wounds. Feelings of such inadequacy, all the lies, the hurt, the late nights, the road trips, meeting his family, his cheating and other dirty secrets, falling on my knees to do anything and everything for him, the love and affection that I gave and wasted, compromising my whole being. It all came charging toward me like a full steam train packed with nothing but coal for the black heart I harbored for so long after him.

Yes, I rarely think of him anymore or what happened between us, but at the time I remember it being the hardest thing I ever had to go through.

It wrecked me for years and relationships to come.

I lost sight of my worth, my value.

I was nothing more than a pair of arms, and lips, and breasts. I was a bookmark in a boy's book of endeavors.

And for years to come that's all I saw myself as to any boy who ever paid the smallest attention.

There were times where people have asked if I have ever regretted anything in my life, and the only thing that has ever come to my mind was him.

And yet, as I think about who I have become since all of that, I've realized I can't regret it.

So much of who I have become, what I had to force myself to do in these last 5 years has been because of all the pain and destruction he caused in my life.

But without it, I would not have learned to become the strong person I am today. I believe that from it I learned to see the red flags a bit quicker. I've learned to not give in so easily.

To not give favors for love.

To demand respect.

To not compromise myself.

To see my worth.

But most importantly to love myself.

So yes, he's married, and he's probably happy. He may even be a good person.

But rather than begrudge his happiness, and still be angry for the disaster that we were, maybe I can start to forgive him because in the end all that matters is that I am a better person now.

And that I learned something from it all.