all the love you can give

I recently read this post on a friend's blog (I say friend but really he's an acquaintance from The Porch who I told the first time meeting him that I wanted to meet his mom). Aside from that, and the fact that I have been blog stalking him endlessly during my down time at work.... this specific post was about The Sound of Music and all about our dreams, our situations, our realities. It was about looking inward and being honest with ourselves.

I got to this specific part of his post:
"Mother Superior tells Maria to be willing to climb every mountain and do all of the hard things and self-reflection she needed to do to find her dream, 'a dream that will need all the love you can give, every day of your life, for as long as you live.'"

And it struck me that I haven't given my dreams all the love that I could give them, and then I wondered what that even meant.

He went on to talk about how Maria has to be brave and strong enough "to do what feels right and true according to her capabilities and life circumstances."

I feel like I've done a good job in always being honest with myself, in admitting my fears and in knowing what I want. But I got to thinking about this past week and the discouragement and frustration it has been and maybe I haven't been brave enough to do what has felt right to me all along.

I've been raised to say a prayer every morning and every night, but lately I've really only been good at the night part. Most times when I remember in the mornings, it's during my walk up to work, so I stumble out a quick thank you and please-bless-us. But it just so happens that the morning before I read Eli's post I found myself mindlessly stitching together something to resemble a heartfelt plea. And as I stuttered my way up to work, I found myself really talking to my Father in Heaven. It was then that a groggy lightning bolt hit- I've always felt that my Father in Heaven has faith in me and trusts me to make good decisions (despite the years of making some really dumb ones, He still believes in me). But even though my Lord trusted me, I didn't trust me. I didn't believe I had it in me to make a good choice. Especially when it came to love because, well, I've done a fair job of always making what seems like the wrong choice. I've had moments where I have selfishly told the universe and my Father in Heaven I was going to love someone despite all the red flags and signs, I've had moments where everything felt right and good and in the end that person made a choice to not continue forward, to not love.

And then I've had moments like now, where all the goodness and hope is staring me in the face and all I can do is get defensive and worry about what others must think of me because I chose the hard way. I know I chose the road of heartbreak. But the fear of judgement and worry from others has almost paralyzed me. I find myself lying in bed asking what to do, what to do. Someone pick for me, someone choose for me because I don't trust myself to make the choice you all want me to make.

But that's not what life or love should be. I should be making choices on what I want, I should be following my dream. And even if our dreams are similar, my journey there is my own.

I need to do what feels right and true to me, depending on my capabilities and my heart. Because I am the one who gets to love that dream "every day of my life, for as long as I live." So even though it may seem stupid and wasteful to others, I've chosen something I believe in and something I could maybe love. If my God can trust me, then I should be able to trust me too. And trust that I can make not only good decisions, but ones that I want and love and that really are good, even though it may not seem like it to those on the outside. So I'll keep praying for my personal miracle and courage in myself. And I'll keep trusting and believing in that person and hoping that maybe he'll come and prove everyone wrong. And if not, I'll find a new hope (wow, didn't even try for that. Too much Star Wars lately).

And while I patiently wait I will enjoy my life now. Because it is good, and all is well. And all the worry of what I feel others might be thinking won't make the empty nights any easier. Being me and enjoying what I do have is what will help me up that mountain.

poem : miracles

Remember when I spoke of miracles here?

I had included those same thoughts in a response to my sweet sister and her letter that had sparked that realization.

She wrote me back this week. With her letter she included a poem she had written, combining her words with mine and producing a precious piece of beauty. She said it needed some work, but I didn't dare touch it:

"I've often overlooked

or

perhaps ignored

what a

miracle is.

Assuming it to be

merely

the stuff of angels,

where I'm sure

a trumpet

sounded

and mayhaps some

heavenly light

was seen.

However,

miracles are quite

different.

Miracles are

loud.

Ones that make

men weep

and demons

hide

for fear.

Miracles are

quiet.

Ones that bring

more later.

Be it a simple prayer.

Miracles are

personal.

I can't say for you

and you can't say for me.

Personal miracles

are naturally 

more sought for

and

more appreciated.

These are loud, quiet,

big, small

and all things

in between.

And

most important.

It's a miracle

I've made it

this far.

It's a miracle

you have

risen from

the ashes of

all things

unexpected.

That cause emotional

storms to

subside."

Dear Sol

Dear Sol,
I really wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you today, like I do every day.

But especially this evening. I went to a meeting only a couple hours ago and when asked a question you popped into my mind on your own volition. I took it as a sign. And then I thought about Meg Ryan as Annie in Sleepless in Seattle and how she says she doesn't believe in signs but then proceeds to spend the rest of the film chasing after "a sign" - Tom Hanks. 

Can a person be a sign?

Is looking for signs bad?

It made me realize I still haven't seen An Affair to Remember and that I don't know if you can even stomach a chick flick. You probably can't, seeing as the last film we watched together was In Bruges, which don't get me wrong - I loved. But would you watch An Affair to Remember with me? Then I realize you probably could, because there's something special about you and love - like you have a reservoir of it waiting to gush over from the edges. You seem to feel things deeply, which is why I like you so much.

I thought of you earlier too, while in the shower. No, not like that. I wondered if you and Asher were going to watch Game of Thrones tonight and how I might skip out on going to the boys' place since they remind me of you. Plus they're watching Moonrise Kingdom tonight and I'm not sure I could handle it since Wes Anderson was something we shared. Does Asher still give you a hard time about me?

Then I remembered how just the other day I found the ticket stub to when you and I went and saw Her in Salt Lake for our second date all the way back in February and how stupid I was to not go home with you that night. And then I thought of all the things I've wanted to tell you in the last couple of weeks and they seemed so unimportant when I realized that all I truly wanted was to curl up next to you and be bored.

I remember you once saying you were a boring person. It made me laugh.

Can I be boring with you?

I found a blog that I love - Bon Iver Erotic Stories (so saucy, I know). I envy their life. I want to have it one day. I think you would be fun to share it with, and we could share our erotic stories about living on a farm and loving each other passionately. Then I stopped myself from thinking further since I was getting way too far ahead of myself because, well, I'm still waiting for you to call. I know you will. I just don't know when. 

Maybe I should turn it into a game to make the time go by quicker...

I really wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you - every day. I can't seem to get you out of my mind. I think it's a sign.

Mia

miracles

A month ago or so I went to a bosom friend's wedding reception. I was so amazed at the love this couple shared and the passion they had for one another. When I got a chance to pull the groom - my friend - aside I told him how I could not wait for the day that I could have what he had.

He then put his hands on my arms as I stood there teary-eyed and told me this: "Have faith. Be patient. And pray to God every day for miracles. You are wonderful and so full of love."

I've never really thought "Oh it'll be a miracle if I ever get married," but that night I realized there are several different kinds of miracles.

There are the quiet ones that people experience when they turn to God and find their faith. They are small but they affect such a great chain reaction. Bringing one person onto the path back to their Heavenly Father affects generations.

There are loud miracles, like the ones that Christ and his apostles performed; the ones that seem impossible.

There are sarcastic miracles like Mom getting Facebook. The ones that are followed with "That'll be the day."

And then, then there are personal miracles. Ones that are quiet and loud all at once. They're big and so small, but only to me or to you, or to whoever they directly touch.

As I read a sister's letter this week I became jealous by the miracles in her life, but then I remembered that I have experienced so many personal miracles in my life. Like working through those rocky years and strengthening my faith and confidence; my courage in me. Setting my priorities straight and finally doing well in school. Learning to love myself and others in the right way...

I've been so blessed with personal miracles in my life and ever since my friend impressed upon me that thought I have prayed for them. Prayed for personal, quiet miracles for me.