because this is our fortress

We had the AC company come hook the swamp cooler up this morning. Which was such a blessing seeing as we had been baking in our beds all week and had resorted to sleeping on the porch.

I had such an interesting stirring as they worked outside - climbing all over the house, yelling orders, banging things against the windows. It was like being a kid again, kneeling by my parents' bedroom window as the crew broke ground for our first swimming pool in steamy Arizona.

There was something homey about it - this was my fortress and I was the keeper of it. I wanted to kneel by the window and watch, I wanted to take them lemonade like we had years ago. I sat for a moment wondering if I just enjoyed watching people do manual labor. But it wasn't that. I actually wanted to go out and help, I wanted to climb all over the house plugging in hoses, wiping sweat from my brow. It was envy. I wanted to be the one digging in the dirt, showing the fruits of my labor. Taking care of the home I live in. Standing by it with a grin on my face and a first place ribbon in my hand.

But instead I sat on the couch reading Brenda Ueland - which isn't a bad thing - and I'm sure others envy my peaceful morning. But I've never been one to want to be lazy. I need purpose, something that will move my limbs and show that I have been productive as hell today. And I have the dirty fingernails to prove it.

I found myself actually missing yard work. Missing those early (and I mean early) Saturday mornings when Mom and Dad would drag us out of bed to weed, pick citrus, seed the grass. I missed those mornings where we fortified our fortress, our home that protected us through all the dust storms, Arizona monsoons, and the wiles of world.

And I realized that I couldn't wait to drag my own kids out of bed, and alongside my husband and rat pack stand by our prize and with grins on our faces wipe the sweat from our brow and show our dirty fingernails.

being grateful

Sometimes the best cure for selfishness (and moments where I find myself too wrapped up in my own mind) is gratitude.

So today I am thankful for:

• a good pair of Levi's that make me look damn sexy
• good friends
• sticky notes (I go through them like candy)
• Sharpies
• Office supplies just in general
• summer sandals
• music
• the color green
• Thai leftovers for lunch
• an amazing family

And band-aids. Because paper cuts sting like the dickens.

sun rise

This morning I watched the sun rise
White whispers exploded before my eyes
As the darkness was swept away
And yellow rays did herald a new day
That peace that waits to be born
Grew inside my chest with the coming morn
But oh, what fathoms did it fall
To come just before my heart did call
Those speckles of innocent light
Bringing warmth after the long night


Written at 6:30am right before taking a final

vacation from my problems

I stepped onto the elevator today and found myself wishing it would break down. Wishing that I would be stuck. I don't really know why, just that I was tired.

Tired of being strong.

Tired of believing that everything was going to be ok, because in that moment things weren't ok.

I wanted to break down, just like I wanted the elevator to break down. Just fall apart in a metal box hidden away from the world for a few hours, not having to be accountable or answer to anyone.

There is a joke that no one really thinks about running away from home until they're an adult. It's not that I want to run away from home, although sometimes this town just about sucks the confidence and vivacity out of any living thing. It's more that I just want to run away from my problems, my responsibilities (thank you Bill Murray and Peter Pan). I  know that you are suppose to carry them with grace, but some days it's just too damn hard.

And other days, I just want to be left alone. Stuck in an elevator with no one to touch or talk to me. 

Often times I get sick of my own voice, hearing myself reiterate to the tenth person that day what I'm feeling and going through. But you know something? I made the decision and the only person I am accountable to is me (and my Father in Heaven). So stop telling me how to do things, stop giving advice, stop trying to protect me.

I can handle it. Probably better than I realize, but let me figure that out. And if I'm going to get hurt or get my heart broken... let me.

I'm at peace with who I am and the choice I made. And I'm just so tired of having to give anymore explanations.

miracles

A month ago or so I went to a bosom friend's wedding reception. I was so amazed at the love this couple shared and the passion they had for one another. When I got a chance to pull the groom - my friend - aside I told him how I could not wait for the day that I could have what he had.

He then put his hands on my arms as I stood there teary-eyed and told me this: "Have faith. Be patient. And pray to God every day for miracles. You are wonderful and so full of love."

I've never really thought "Oh it'll be a miracle if I ever get married," but that night I realized there are several different kinds of miracles.

There are the quiet ones that people experience when they turn to God and find their faith. They are small but they affect such a great chain reaction. Bringing one person onto the path back to their Heavenly Father affects generations.

There are loud miracles, like the ones that Christ and his apostles performed; the ones that seem impossible.

There are sarcastic miracles like Mom getting Facebook. The ones that are followed with "That'll be the day."

And then, then there are personal miracles. Ones that are quiet and loud all at once. They're big and so small, but only to me or to you, or to whoever they directly touch.

As I read a sister's letter this week I became jealous by the miracles in her life, but then I remembered that I have experienced so many personal miracles in my life. Like working through those rocky years and strengthening my faith and confidence; my courage in me. Setting my priorities straight and finally doing well in school. Learning to love myself and others in the right way...

I've been so blessed with personal miracles in my life and ever since my friend impressed upon me that thought I have prayed for them. Prayed for personal, quiet miracles for me.

I hate dry elbows. Which I never get.

And dirty microwaves.

happiness

Entitled Happiness. Because he said it was what he was feeling in that moment. And it was perfect.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Happiness/4D6LaS?src=5

because kerouac

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars"

I'm drawn to the creative type. The ones who burn, the ones who pine.

Maybe it's because I feel like they understand.

It took me years to finally realize what it was I wanted to do and where I wanted to go with life and my career. And those years were a mess.

A beautiful mess of disaster and chaos. But it was worth it.

It was worth it to question and wonder and discover. To pull everything apart, including me, to find out who I am and what I want. To dig down deep and find my foundation.

So maybe that's why I like the mad ones. The ones who have rough edges and create beautiful messes, too. The ones who don't know all the answers but can read Wordsworth and kiss you with meaning. 

The ones who see beauty in the imperfection and still love passionately.

it reminds me of the first time i met him

A poem.

A poem I wrote in that romantic poetry class where we first met. Met? Noticed each other. It reminds me of him. Reminds me of the first thought I had when I saw him across the room - "I want to know him." And how I was never brave enough to go sit next to him at the front of the room.

Speckled light through green
sets upon my dreams
there I below and
he above we stood
waiting out the day

The river full and
cold, sat there between
the mountain and our
path, calling out to
me waiting below.

No fear or worry
edged into my mind
just peaceful wanting.
So there I did sit
looking for what could
come, in that shade of
speckled light through green.

being on the same page in dating

I read this on a friend's blog the other day and loved it:

"The more you date, the more you settle onto the same book, then chapter, then page then line then word... 'yes.'

So in the beginning of the relationship, just be sure to communicate appropriately so that you don't run into a situation where, in your mind, you are at the end of the love story and she is still waiting to be saved from the dragon."

original post here

things changed

Remember that important person? Things changed.

please let me scorn you for treating me right

We went to a concert - Bombay Bicycle Club - a couple weeks ago. I hadn't planned on it. In fact, Sol was just suppose to check to see if there were extra tickets. He checked, and then bought me one.

Liz Lawrence was the opener. Sol joked that he wouldn't be surprised if she became my new favorite but I didn't want him to be right. It was cliche. Half way through her performance, with my jaw dropped, I turned to Sol and told him she was my new crush. He was right.

A couple days later we were driving home and I pulled Sol's phone from his hand to choose something to listen to and I found Liz's album. He told me that he had bought it for me. He knew that at some point we would be driving home and I would want to listen to my new favorite singer. He bought it for me.

There is no other way that I could possibly describe how I feel for him, except this song.

So, please let me love you black and blue.

her site

who he is

I went through a break up right before things started to go anywhere with Sol. I had met him a year previously in a romantic poetry class at school, then re-met him in January when we went on a couple dates, but my mind and heart were elsewhere with another boy. I wasn't sure how I felt just yet.

But then things changed and one night the thought of him entered my mind like it had several times before and I finally reached out. After that it was a whirl of overwhelming emotions. I had come to the conclusion that I needed something better, something good. I had spent so many relationships giving my 110% and only receiving 50 in return (if that). But Sol gave me 110. He gave me more than that. He was there every day, wanting to see me; bending over backwards to tell me how special I am. 

I was scared at first. Scared because it couldn't possibly be real. But it was and I soon found myself falling. Falling into the only abyss a soul is happy to be lost in. The things he said, the way he kissed me. The way he held me in his arms telling me how happy he was and that this was what he wanted. It was almost perfection. All the butterflies and tingles were there, the wanting to spend every second with him exploring his soul; his heart. He opened up, told me things he'd never shared with anyone else.

Sol made me feel important; safe. All those things everyone told you about how it's suppose to be when you meet the right one...It all made sense now.

I don't know what the future holds for us, I don't know if he is the one. But I can't wait to find out.

because sometimes i fall apart

I found myself on the bathroom floor at work crying this morning because. Because I like you so much and it scares me. Scares the hell out of me. Because what if you never like me as much as I do you and what if one day you realize that and rather than give yourself the chance you walk away...? It scares me because what if I lose you? I can't do this again - mend a heart that's been torn to shreds and bruised till nothing bleeds out of it but ash. I can't be alone, every night waiting for someone to come hold my fragile body, scarred from years of pain and struggle and happy moments.

I found myself on the bathroom floor because I feel that if this falls apart it will be all my fault because I don't know how to do anything right. I push too much, I care too much, I'm there too often, I need affection too soon.

Because my insecurities woke up yesterday with a vengeance and have torn at my heart and soul until I am no more than the tape and string that holds me together.

Life can be just as wonderful

I don't know what it is but every episode of every show I have watched the last couple days has been about people taking chances in relationships. Specifically about people who have been so stuck in their ways that when someone special comes along things get thrown off balance. But the people in these shows always say yes. They always run after the girl. They say they want to try it, they want to fight and make it work.

It's been driving me crazy. Life doesn't work that way. Instead it's usually a string of conversations about figuring things out. No grand gestures, just moments of panic, insecurity, and lots of worry. Wondering what the final decision is. Too many nights spent "discussing" and contemplating, rolling the fragile bits of a relationship in our hands trying to mold and mend the rough edges.

I hate it. I want to scream "Just do it!" Why is it so hard for some people to just open up and let good things happen? Why do we fear change? I have always believed that every relationship is a risk, whether you think you're going to spend eternity with this person or not, you're risking a part of your life and your heart to let them in. But if it does end "happily ever after" wasn't it a risk worth taking?

I've never been good at being stuck in my ways, but I thought that was a good thing. It has always been easy for me to fall head over heels for someone, to jump in head first risking it all. I don't know what it is like to be alone for that long, to be unsure when something good does walk in, but that is a post for another day.

But I am trying to understand. I'm trying to be careful and recognize that sometimes people aren't full of crap, and sometimes they actually just struggle with things I won't relate to. I'm trying to be patient and remember life isn't like the movies. But that doesn't mean it can't be just as wonderful.

me

I'm 26. Single, correction, unmarried. There is someone in my life. He's important. Terribly important. I'm still in school with one year to graduation. And let me tell you that I'm ready to be recognized as someone with a viable set of skills worth more than an hourly wage. I'm studying English because somewhere deep inside I still dream of being a writer. Tucked away in a corner of the world, barefoot as I create a story that will fall into the hands of the world and never be forgotten. I sometimes write poetry. It's never any good, but the satisfaction of emptying all the words that tumble about inside in a chaotic version of beauty feels good.

I'm not perfect at anything, I swear every now and then. I love nature and twinkle lights. I try to enjoy the little things, but sometimes the big things are just as wonderful. I love good food, and have a soft spot for the occasional massive bowl of ice cream. I love office supplies. I love buying them, using them, lining everything up just so.

I come from a large family; religious at best. I believe in God and all that He has done and provided for me. I love people and making connections, hearing their life's story and learning. Always learning.

I'm not sure what will come from here. I wish to enlighten those with any interest on the subject of dating, love, friendship, family, life; to share my opinion. I apologize for any thing I may ever say that might frustrate or offend you. All my opinions are my own, formed from years of a caring family and a shorter time spent developing myself into the person I am today. Maybe all I really intend is just to tell you my story.

because...

I am starting this blog because as a single 26-year-old living in a culture centered around marriage and families I felt like showing the inside parts of all the struggles and turmoil we suffer through just to please the masses (well, our families really, and ourselves). I want to show the other side of the heart breaks, the late nights, the college experience, and all the in between's that eat us up and spit us out while we desperately hope we manage to walk away with some of our limbs still intact. But most importantly, our hearts and who we are still intact and functioning enough to say we are still human.

So this is for those of you who may not understand the pressure, the frustration, the worry, the stress, and all the joy that comes from being young. Being the round pegs in the square holes. Being hopelessly romantic and totally crazy all at the same time.

And I start this too because I've always wanted the chance to pour out my soul to the world, but mainly to you. To the person I may one day call completely mine. Because sometimes I can't seem to say everything I'm feeling or thinking out loud, but maybe one day you will stumble upon this and realize that there was something there, something always hiding away. And it was me just being unsure and insecure of it all.