I stepped onto the elevator today and found myself wishing it would break down. Wishing that I would be stuck. I don't really know why, just that I was tired.
Tired of being strong.
Tired of believing that everything was going to be ok, because in that moment things weren't ok.
I wanted to break down, just like I wanted the elevator to break down. Just fall apart in a metal box hidden away from the world for a few hours, not having to be accountable or answer to anyone.
There is a joke that no one really thinks about running away from home until they're an adult. It's not that I want to run away from home, although sometimes this town just about sucks the confidence and vivacity out of any living thing. It's more that I just want to run away from my problems, my responsibilities (thank you Bill Murray and Peter Pan). I know that you are suppose to carry them with grace, but some days it's just too damn hard.
And other days, I just want to be left alone. Stuck in an elevator with no one to touch or talk to me.
Often times I get sick of my own voice, hearing myself reiterate to the tenth person that day what I'm feeling and going through. But you know something? I made the decision and the only person I am accountable to is me (and my Father in Heaven). So stop telling me how to do things, stop giving advice, stop trying to protect me.
I can handle it. Probably better than I realize, but let me figure that out. And if I'm going to get hurt or get my heart broken... let me.
I'm at peace with who I am and the choice I made. And I'm just so tired of having to give anymore explanations.
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